Lemons

Now I realise that it has been quite a long time since I last posted a rant, but I’m going to be honest, I don’t care. And since nobody actually plans their life around reading this crap, I’m going to assume that I won’t receive too many complaints.

I would also like to say that it doesn’t concern me that the article containing the details of my hatred of Owen Johnston hasn’t been written. It turns out that I don’t hate him, though he does wind me up more than almost any person alive.

So with the ice well and truly broken, melted and soaked into the metaphorical carpet of our writer/reader relationship, I feel ready to crack on with Lemons.

First of all, some interesting facts about lemons:

1.      Lemons are yellow
2.      Lemons are a type of fruit
3.      Lemons are a yellow fruit
4.      Lemons make me ill
5.      I don’t like lemons

As points 4 and 5 explain, lemons don’t agree with me. I must have been maybe nine or ten years of age, I walked down the stairs to find a sponge cake in the kitchen. In the infantile manner that I still to this day live my life, I ate a whole square of the cake in one mouthful.  A few minutes pass and I deposit a sizable amount of my bodily fluid from the top bunk of my bed (sick, not wee or runny poo). Interestingly I have never owned a bunk bed, so maybe my memory of the event has been tampered with. But details aside, it was not a plain sponge cake, but then I think you had probably come to that conclusion already.

That is pretty much my reason for not liking lemon.

With this in mind it is fairly disappointing that lemon flavoured stuff is everywhere. Wine gums, Jelly Babies, Starburst, those little disposable hand towel things you get in packets, air fresheners and more. 

Jamie Oliver.

Bastard.

Has anyone seen ‘Jamie’s 30 minute meals’? This program bothers me. Aside from the fact that the meals only take 30 minutes because he is an experienced chef, who possesses impeccable knife skills, has a blender/cheese grater machine that cuts stuff really quickly (which will almost certainly cost a bomb) and he has all the ingredients prepared and ready in front of him.  Jamie ‘fuck face’ Oliver puts lemon in everything! Every salad dressing is lemon and olive oil, every pasta has lemon juice and zest in (but why both?) and every pudding has lemon in. 

This was fun.