I think you know me well enough by now to expect me to complain about almost anything. Today is no exception.
First of all if you are thinking ‘why are you talking about Aldi and Lidl instead of keeping to your pre-prepared list’, well I have gone ‘off piste’ so to speak because I hate lists more than I hate anything on my list. If you now are thinking why did I not include ‘lists’ on my list of hate, that is because it would make a paradox and could end life as we know it. Thinking about it this may be a blessing, considering the topic of hate-versation (conversation of hate) today.
Context: After work today I foolishly decided to go to stop off for a quick shop at Aldi, since I only held shrapnel in my pocket, knowing that the co-op was now well out of my price range, but also knowing I needed a meal before watching the mighty Ipswich Town later on tonight.
Has anybody else noticed that it looks like the warehouse you’d find behind most other supermarkets? Oh and that term ‘super market’, since Aldi is crap (more crap than a regular market) I urge you to refer to it as a crapper market. Anyway, everything in this place is piled high and looks like the dragons den graveyard, where all the unsuccessful and cheaply made products fell by the wayside as Kellogs, Walkers and Cadburys burst through into the mainstream. I saw Dixons cream crackers? Did Jacobs remarry? Or has some wanker called Dixon just ruined a decent long running business by selling a cheaper and entirely less enjoyable substitute? Not only is this place the graveyard of products that never ‘made it’, but also it is the place where the old ranges of big brand products lay to rest, like a bag of assorted Jif scouring pads. Poor old Jif. The new bastard Cif comes along because people from Eastern Europe can’t say Jif. I’m sorry, but there are bigger problems than a dirty kitchen if you can’t even say Jif! Now I completely understand that some people can’t afford the top brands of things from actual supermarkets, but why not just buy Sainsbury’s basics? A good size shower gel for 15p is far greater value than 60p for McThompsonberrytonwilliamsalexanderson and sons lemon scented body wash.
It’s not just the goods (or bads) on sale that bothers me, but just the feeling of the place. The bloke in front of me in was buying a gallon of whiskey! That’s right, a gallon! Roughly four litres! Either he’s planning a big post-lent piss up, or an expensive suicide attempt! He was just one member of the shopping community today. Another was a woman who was still wearing her pyjamas. I went in at roughly half past 5. Firstly why was she in her pyjamas at that time, secondly why does she even own pyjamas reading ‘tease me’ across the front (seeing as she was mid 50’s, with knotted hair, crooked and black teeth and a badly running nose) and most importantly why was she shopping in her fucking pyjamas anyway! I can only think that she doesn’t own a washing machine and needs to buy new clothes every day and pyjamas are cheaper than regular clothes.
Aside from all these factors, the staff look like extras from Shaun Of The Dead and go about their working lives with similar vigour. When at the counter I had noticed that I had bought more than I had anticipated, therefore needing three bags instead of the one I had brought with me. So I bought a couple of bags and proceeded with caution. The drone behind the counter scanned my food through so quickly that it gave me no time to pack everything into the bags, so taking my time I packed everything in and was met with disapproving glares from Mr Whiskey and Little Miss Pyjamas.
I realise I haven’t touched on Lidl in this wonderful written evaluation, but as far as I’m aware the same applies.
Thanks for reading.
